It's 4AM - Thoughts, Pain, and the Power of Small Rituals
I woke up before 4 am again and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was dreaming, but it wasn’t my usual deep sleep, immersive kind of dream where I’m lost in my imagination. This one was scattered and broken, jumping from moment to moment, swerving all over the place like an overloaded semi truck trying to make a steep turn, veering off the road as I tried desperately to bring it back to center. It wasn’t working and everything just felt loose and out of control. And then I woke up, lying there in the dark with my mind racing, unable to go back to sleep.
That’s been happening a lot lately.
But I just laid there, staring at the shadows on the ceiling of the bedroom trying to decide what to do.. get up or continue to barrel roll under the covers and risk disrupting my sweetheart who was trying to sleep next to me. I felt stuffy and my throat was sore, generally a pretty good indicator I was snoring, a subtle reassurance it was most likely another restless night of sleep.
After about twenty minutes it was clear I was awake for good, so I got up as quietly as possible, grabbed my clothes, and headed out to the living room. Per my morning ritual, I made a cup of hot tea before finding my way to my favorite spot on the couch, covering up against the morning chill with the afghan my mom made me back when I was in high school, one she thoughtfully crafted in a combination of colors for my school, green and yellow, with a bunch of my third color choice mixed in to balance it all out, black.
Once settled, I grabbed my laptop to start my brain dump, a practice I have maintained for years with increasing consistency as I get older and find my mind racing more and more in my constant search for clarity of purpose and meaning in an increasingly noisy world. With my laptop open, my fingers went to work, flying around the keyboard, frantic in my attempt to get out all the swirling thoughts as fast as possible before I lost them. I started with a simple first line as I tried to determine where to start.. “I woke up before 4am again and couldn’t go back to sleep.”
As with most days, I have no idea what to say. I just start typing and let the words spill out, scattered and disorganized, no different than I am doing now. When I finally finish, it’s not uncommon to be rewarded with one long, solid paragraph that goes on page after page, ideas jumping and bouncing around, hanging on with only a thread of continuity, no doubt as exhausting to read back as it is to write. Every effort to slow down and make it as thoughtful as possible being replaced with a “fire hose wide open” style of delivery until I finally hit a point of exhaustion with nothing left to say, generally ending on a landing spot of reflection, appreciation, and gratitude for the life I am fortunate enough to now live.
And then comes the editing process, but only after I save a copy of my initial brain dump to a personal file or folder, generally marked with the year, month, and day. I used to put the time and location at the top of each page, but that’s a practice I have tried to let go of recently. Maybe some OCD tendencies??
The obvious question would be, why edit something that is supposed to be a therapeutic brain dump, and it would be a good one. I’ve found that adding additional thoughts as I read back through my initial verbal diarrhea (like this entire paragraph), as well as removing others that don’t seem to follow my developing line of thought helps clean up the clutter. For me, going through and editing what I write is just another way to control the chaos, even if it’s a journal entry that is initially written for my own personal benefit. It brings order to the disorderly and gives me a different perspective to reflect on as I read back through my thoughts while also trying to bring them together in a more logical, cohesive way with some structure and flow. I want it to be insightful and useful, not just something for immediate gratification from the initial frenzy of blasting a page full of words.
There are plenty of studies and books around the therapeutic benefits of getting out the random thoughts in your mind first thing in the morning with a brain dump, although some will contest the effectiveness of using a computer versus writing things out with a paper and pen in long form (which I still do periodically). I just find it easier to save and organize the growing pile of journal entries, short stories, novel starts, poems, and song lyrics if I use my computer and a quick click of the “Save” button. It also makes the editing process soooo much faster, which is by far the most time consuming part of everything I do, going through draft after draft until everything has a logical flow that is easy to follow. Whether draft 4 or 5 is that much better than draft 2 remains to be seen. Probably not, but that’s ok. It’s my process and it seems to eventually either wear me out or lead me to a final conclusion.
At this point I’ve stacked up hundreds and hundreds of pages over the years that still sit in various spiral notebooks and folders on my computer. They seem to be waiting patiently for me to either read them again and reflect on where I was at the time, or collect and organize them into something more useful than just forgotten memories collecting dust in a corner, which is why I am making more effort with what I am writing lately while it’s still fresh in my mind.
I wouldn’t even say I necessarily have life-changing epiphanies or solve any grandiose problems every time I do these brain dumps, but there’s a desperation to the writing process and getting the noise out that’s an equivalent in my brain to trying to run a mile at full-tilt while holding my breath. I just can’t complete it fast enough while my mind is screaming at me.. JUST SLOW DOWN AND BREATHE!!
While I do my best to try and capture everything in a page or two, I never really know exactly how long it’ll take for my brain to hit a wall and run out of things to say. Either way, I do end seem to eventually land on a place of gratitude and reassurance that I am on the right path in life, as meandering and winding as the journey may seem to get to that destination.
When I do reach that point of mental exhaustion, I know it’s time to move on to the next step of my morning routine.. meditation! I wouldn’t say my mind is exactly “quiet” after writing, but at least I’ve burned through some of the initial chaos that hits me when I first wake up. This goes a long way towards finding a more peaceful place where I can be fully present in the moment and finally start to focus on my breathing. So I find a comfortable position, set my timer, and try to get lost in it.
In retrospect, writing and meditation have taken an even more prominent role in my life over the last year since my primary go-to method hasn’t been an option lately.. running and spending time exploring the outdoors. A back injury from a snowboarding accident in early 2024 has led to my mileage reducing slowly over the last year until settling to where I am now.. no running at all, only short walks as long as I can stand the pain. On the bright side, at least in terms of a resolution after a year of pain, surgery to fix the problem is tomorrow morning, and I couldn’t be more ready for it.
I’m hopeful, or at least cautiously optimistic this will be the solution that has eluded me over the past year. While I’m no stranger to pushing through pain and discomfort, this is different. Nerve pain isn’t something I can grit my teeth and lean into like a pulled muscle that heals with some rest, ibuprofen, and either a heating pad or an ice pack. Not good for someone who finds joy in spending hours and sometimes days in the mountains chasing distances of a 100 miles or more at a time. The mental blow of not having my normal outlet is debilitating in itself. With running out of the equation, I’ve even preemptively set up distractions for the coming months of recovery.. recording more podcast episodes!
I’ve recorded multiple conversations in advance so I have plenty of editing and episodes to work on during the healing process. Hopefully by the time I need to record again I’ll be in a better headspace to give the undivided attention each person deserves when they come to share their time with me, and I’ll have more to share myself as I work towards spending more time outside and building back up to my past levels of fitness and activity.
One of the interesting things about the conversations lately has been the reoccurrence around the topic of mental health. As someone who has struggled with it in the past, it isn’t something I have intentionally directed the conversations toward, but it has been a common thread that keeps coming up. There’s no doubt each person has a unique experience which only adds to the authenticity and vulnerability of these conversations, and this is exactly what I love about each one.. they are raw, unique, full of self discovery, and most of all, hope.
It isn’t lost on me the trust these amazing people put into me to help share their story to a wider audience, and while I still have a lot to learn as a host, I do think I’m getting more comfortable in my role with each conversation. I do my best to prepare with notes and key questions to feed my curiosity about my guests, but more often than not my notes end up on the floor and the conversation takes on a life of its own. I think that’s when the best moments happen and I am able to be a more engaged listener, asking thoughtful questions based on the story as it unfolds organically.
While I am constantly filled with self-doubt about my ability as a “host,” the positive feedback and encouragement I’ve received around this whole “Run from the Norm” effort has been huge for me knowing the project is resonating with others and proving valuable to those listening to these conversations. Whether it’s as entertainment or a gentle reminder that we’re not alone in our struggles, the growing sense of community is exactly why I started this thing in the first place. And while I don’t know exactly where it’ll end up, I do know I’m heading in the right direction.
For today.. that’s enough.
In reflection, I started this brain dump feeling restless, scattered, and anxious. At this point as I wind down, I have to say I’m landing in a place where my heart feels full of gratitude, exactly where I hoped to be. For all the uncertainty, pain, and even the exhaustion I’ve been experiencing lately, there’s just so much to be thankful for. The opportunity to connect with others and create something meaningful only adds fuels to the fire, and it’s not something I take lightly. I know there is so much more to come, and I have so much more to give.
And maybe that’s the lesson in it all.. learning to sit with the chaos, let it spill out however it comes, and then trust there is some sort of usefulness to it that I may not fully realize yet. If all I gain from this is a little more peace of mind before the day begins, I consider that a win.
